Dust

Wishful Thinking

sittingbear — Tue, 28 Dec 2010 03:44:48 +0000

I want to put you on a pedestal,
so that I may sing to you high praises,
but I do not have the voice.
I want to tell you the greatness you bring,
so that I may know the joy you bring me,
but I do no have the words.
I want to pull you near and hold you tight,
so that you may share the peace I have found,
but I do not have you.

Untitled №20

sittingbear — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 19:02:52 +0000

Found these amongst some old stuff, posting for posterity:

February 2008 “Drift”
From nothing, we built this illusion.
It holds up little, but keeps us moving just the same.
Every day becomes practice in futility,
these results just aren’t what we hoped for.
We do what we want,
but we do not get what we desire.

Sometimes what you want,
Is just what you need.

January 2009 “Reflections”
A time when things were simple. A time when things were easy.
Things are still easy, but simplicity has faded.
Ease becomes a strain, difficulty changes form.

Everything once so warm, turns blue around the edges;
turns cold with time.
You said your body was young but your mind was old.
Words known for years,
meaning known only now.

Some day in the future,
I will protect, I will hide from their eyes the truth,
I will pretend all is warm again.
I will pretend there are no rough edges,
no sharp traps, no hidden messages.
I will watch the lie fade again.

Until then:
Sit in silence,
listen to the echoes;
Search for the lost sun.

Untitled №19

sittingbear — Fri, 19 Nov 2010 17:49:24 +0000

This smoldering pot
rattles and shakes.
This clattering lid
cannot hold that which stews.
This simmering rage
burns like a fire in my mouth,
aching to spill out.
My one regret boils over
but it cannot extinguish the flame;
Your sin most ugly
fuels my fire.
To excise you from my mind,
is my one desire.

Bridges

sittingbear — Mon, 01 Nov 2010 15:37:19 +0000

As I look over my shoulder
at the paths I have traveled,
I see the bridges I have crossed
are broken and fallen.

Over the long years
that which has not been intentionally burnt,
has succumbed to age and neglect.

I can look back at the ground I have covered,
but my only direction can be forward.
Searching for home,
searching for you.

untitled №18

sittingbear — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:44:18 +0000

Do those who have tasted death no longer fear it?

When I was very young, I drowned while in a pool with no lifeguard on duty. There was only one other person in the pool, and my grandma was on the side watching.

I don’t remember feeling any fear or anxiety about dying during or afterward. As it happened, the other swimmer happened to be a lifeguard.

Strange how things work out…

Life went on as usual, but somehow was more vivid. I became more observant. I remember watching trees and bushes move with the wind, not trying to understand, but to see it for what it was.

I feel like somehow this is part of why I don’t have the drive for material goods like most people do. I don’t see the point in collecting anything that will be gone when I am. Or at the very best, useless to have collected. I merely seek to be enjoyable. My grand ambition is to enjoy life.

I think I do alright.

You are your own maker

sittingbear — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 06:25:05 +0000

Is it possible that knowing every minute detail about the world only distracts us from seeing the truth? If we keep our eyes focused outwards, we will never look in.

Without looking past discomfort, we can never find true comfort. Looking to the west will not make the east disappear. The sun rises without regard for your desires.

To look upwards for salvation will accomplish nothing. There is no lord above. The image of God is in mind only. Man has put his image unto many forms. The Christian cross and the Egyptian Ankh are some obvious examples. And yet few people recognize the god that lies within. You are your own maker.

untitled №17

sittingbear — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 08:55:45 +0000

Like burning stars stars in the darkest night, the gaze of those who have awakened burn into your eyes. They are the ones who don’t look away when you pass them on the street. They are the ones who reflect what you are when your eyes connect.

Remembering those who walked by, supposed islands in a sea of anonymity, pretending to hear nothing, to see nothing. You call to them, but no answer, for nothing reaches past their ears. Nothing exists.
Someday, there might be a seed planted.
Today is not that day.

I hardly knew you, but your impact is lasting. Like an asteroid that has exploded into dust, we will never know what it would be like had we stayed as we were, only what we are now.
One day, you will be forgotten, but your scars will not.

untitled №16

sittingbear — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 02:57:52 +0000

As time dilates, life moves slower, that which seemed important is shown to be a facade, intricacies more nuanced.
Taking the time to notice the quality of the air, the composition and scent of the soil, the wisps of clouds as they collide into massive organisms of no concrete form, and rise over or through any obstacle.

As time constricts, life becomes hectic, that which seemed easy becomes difficult to master, somehow everything slipped you by when you closed your eyes. Your plans no longer are adequate, by the time they are ready for execution, the facts have changed.

Remember that life flows on, within, or without you.
Remember to breathe, to watch, to absorb the truth as only your eyes can speak.

untitled №15

sittingbear — Thu, 06 Aug 2009 03:44:00 +0000

Like a balloon slipping from your grasp,

I float away

Yin and…

sittingbear — Tue, 19 May 2009 18:33:14 +0000

More and more I discover that it is rare for people to be what they claim, not even I can maintain the standards I like to believe I hold up to. Life is full of contradictions, you cannot be one thing without having a degree of the opposite. You can not be a loving person without knowing hate and having hated, you can not understand and learn without being ignorant. I dislike idiocy and do not suffer fools well, and I find that I have my moments of being a foolish idiot. I try and be understanding of people and their emotions, but I fail to comprehend emotions I can not experience for myself, for I have muted them or I have never allowed them to grow beyond what they are to me.

I have become disappointed in many things over the past few months; my mother, my friends, and myself. I have done little to make things easier at many points, I am stubborn and I do not see it fit to go more than halfway in most cases, and I do not desire to manipulate, or be manipulated. I have become partially withdrawn for many reasons, the biggest regret I have about it is that I have not learned enough. I feel I am stagnating, and that I have been for many months, if not years. I make progress in certain directions, but it is not entirely my doing; the current takes me where it will. I grow frustrated at my inability to see my dog and get her back, at the fact my mother plays the victim and says it is my choice to not speak to her, which while true is not what I want to do. You cannot have a result without a cause.

If I can not attain the results I desire within a few months I am going to do something I probably should have done years ago. I am glad I have not done it, but it may be time that I did. I do not need further input on it, everything I have heard from people is either don’t do it for the wrong reasons, or it could be good. I know in the long term it will be good for me, but I cannot say how it would be in the immediate sense. I am falling into patterns I do not wish to stay in. I am growing soft. I value my freedom but I do little with it.

I am young but I am old. I have had more time in my mind than my body has. I am still not sure of how I feel. I know what I feel, but I do not what what it means to me.