untitled №18

Do those who have tasted death no longer fear it?

When I was very young, I drowned while in a pool with no lifeguard on duty. There was only one other person in the pool, and my grandma was on the side watching.

I don’t remember feeling any fear or anxiety about dying during or afterward. As it happened, the other swimmer happened to be a lifeguard.

Strange how things work out…

Life went on as usual, but somehow was more vivid. I became more observant. I remember watching trees and bushes move with the wind, not trying to understand, but to see it for what it was.

I feel like somehow this is part of why I don’t have the drive for material goods like most people do. I don’t see the point in collecting anything that will be gone when I am. Or at the very best, useless to have collected. I merely seek to be enjoyable. My grand ambition is to enjoy life.

I think I do alright.

You are your own maker

Is it possible that knowing every minute detail about the world only distracts us from seeing the truth? If we keep our eyes focused outwards, we will never look in.

Without looking past discomfort, we can never find true comfort. Looking to the west will not make the east disappear. The sun rises without regard for your desires.

To look upwards for salvation will accomplish nothing. There is no lord above. The image of God is in mind only. Man has put his image unto many forms. The Christian cross and the Egyptian Ankh are some obvious examples. And yet few people recognize the god that lies within. You are your own maker.

untitled №17

Like burning stars stars in the darkest night, the gaze of those who have awakened burn into your eyes. They are the ones who don’t look away when you pass them on the street. They are the ones who reflect what you are when your eyes connect.

Remembering those who walked by, supposed islands in a sea of anonymity, pretending to hear nothing, to see nothing. You call to them, but no answer, for nothing reaches past their ears. Nothing exists.
Someday, there might be a seed planted.
Today is not that day.

I hardly knew you, but your impact is lasting. Like an asteroid that has exploded into dust, we will never know what it would be like had we stayed as we were, only what we are now.
One day, you will be forgotten, but your scars will not.

untitled №16

As time dilates, life moves slower, that which seemed important is shown to be a facade, intricacies more nuanced.
Taking the time to notice the quality of the air, the composition and scent of the soil, the wisps of clouds as they collide into massive organisms of no concrete form, and rise over or through any obstacle.

As time constricts, life becomes hectic, that which seemed easy becomes difficult to master, somehow everything slipped you by when you closed your eyes. Your plans no longer are adequate, by the time they are ready for execution, the facts have changed.

Remember that life flows on, within, or without you.
Remember to breathe, to watch, to absorb the truth as only your eyes can speak.

untitled №15

Like a balloon slipping from your grasp,

I float away

Yin and…

More and more I discover that it is rare for people to be what they claim, not even I can maintain the standards I like to believe I hold up to. Life is full of contradictions, you cannot be one thing without having a degree of the opposite. You can not be a loving person without knowing hate and having hated, you can not understand and learn without being ignorant. I dislike idiocy and do not suffer fools well, and I find that I have my moments of being a foolish idiot. I try and be understanding of people and their emotions, but I fail to comprehend emotions I can not experience for myself, for I have muted them or I have never allowed them to grow beyond what they are to me.

I have become disappointed in many things over the past few months; my mother, my friends, and myself. I have done little to make things easier at many points, I am stubborn and I do not see it fit to go more than halfway in most cases, and I do not desire to manipulate, or be manipulated. I have become partially withdrawn for many reasons, the biggest regret I have about it is that I have not learned enough. I feel I am stagnating, and that I have been for many months, if not years. I make progress in certain directions, but it is not entirely my doing; the current takes me where it will. I grow frustrated at my inability to see my dog and get her back, at the fact my mother plays the victim and says it is my choice to not speak to her, which while true is not what I want to do. You cannot have a result without a cause.

If I can not attain the results I desire within a few months I am going to do something I probably should have done years ago. I am glad I have not done it, but it may be time that I did. I do not need further input on it, everything I have heard from people is either don’t do it for the wrong reasons, or it could be good. I know in the long term it will be good for me, but I cannot say how it would be in the immediate sense. I am falling into patterns I do not wish to stay in. I am growing soft. I value my freedom but I do little with it.

I am young but I am old. I have had more time in my mind than my body has. I am still not sure of how I feel. I know what I feel, but I do not what what it means to me.

I wonder how liars sleep at night. I wonder what its like to go through motions but to feel a completely different set of emotions. Can it be possible to have a tainted consciousness and still feel good about yourself? What does it feel like to lay down and pretend you have no morals, nothing worth standing up for?
What is it like to ignore questions that dig into you? What is it like to see the rays of light but to follow the shadows?

I wonder what people see when they look at life. I wonder what people think when they zone out into their routines; work, food, tv, sleep. No questions. No Answers. Only motions.
I wonder what got me to wonder.

The best you can do is not good enough

I hear the silence. I’ve been listening to it for a long time. Sometimes it took over everything, left its mask in subdued trails, etching soft pools of thought in my mind. We are at peace here, we have been here before, and will return again. But we can not stay. I can still feel the wings I grew that day. No longer are my forces kept inside, I have opened the door and I have seen the way I must travel, for I have seen the paths I have traveled and those that others have taken, and I choose to lift myself above them. 

I used to avoid eye contact. Now I see the eyes, I see the control that they exert on people. I see subtle flashes of emotion race across faces when people react. Wide eyes, mouth curled down, but a voice mimicing happiness. Two of these do not agree with the third. Through recognizing cause and reaction of others brings understanding to your own world. I do not know all that brought me here, but I know what brings me further.

I have withdrawn to myself in order to rebuild myself; to repair the damage that has been wrought by years of neglect. I have replaced ill-formed supports with strong columns; my roof shall not collapse again. I no longer attempt to assume, only understand. I have seen the result of many an ill gotten assumption, assumptions which resulted in failures. Almost always will assumptions end in failure.
I do not assume I will be happy. I understand I must find it first. I know now that I must seek and keep it, for it will not find me if I am not looking.

To see with closed eyes is impossible.

untitled №14

A long time ago in a time lost to age, we with our heads in the clouds couldnt find much wrong with the hazy world we saw.
Then after a time a breeze began to blow, the clouds began to wisp away into the air, the softened lines of that we saw turned hard and cold. The world will never return. We must find a new existance.

---

Just dont forget where you came from, and what got you to where you are.

---

And this is where we stop remaining the stone in the river, remaining solid against the changing current. We release our hold upon the riverbed, and start to flow.

untitled №13

Mindless people should meld their bodies and their minds. A dead mind should mean a dead body. 
I have never been able to understand those who try to not think. I can not see how one can delude themselves into  beleiving that if their mind is not moving, then they must be at peace; that things are going to be alright. You cannot expect change to happen without changing something yourself. You cannot expect there to be some sort of natural bond to remain when you have whittled it away to nothing. You are owed nothing.

Do not play the victim. You are capable of your own forces, you do not fall prey to the forces of others unless you let yourself down, or their power to change is greater than yours.

There is a reason why I have become withdrawn. It is not that I do not care for people, it is that I do not care for the people I have found. Bonds shorn to nothing equal nothing. I will not pretend. I will remember what once was, but I will remember it with what is now. I will recall the path that led us to where we stand now, and I will look upon yours with disdain. I have remained true to myself, while most I have traveled with have remained true to greed and selfishness.

I hope one day your mind wakes from your backwards slumber, and you will be greeted with a torrent of discomfort, as you realise your wrongs and know there is no recanting. You will realise that you were wrong. You will not be able to make up for lost time. I have once tried to ignore my mind, but to ignore your cause for cognition is to ignore your cause for fruitition and your every waking moment.

You do not ignore your legs, because they move you. You do not ignore your arms, because they move things for you. You do not ignore your body because it holds your brain. Why do you seek to ignore your mind? It is the root of your life. It should not be malnourished, it should not be chopped. It should be given deep and rich soil in order to grow and prosper.

A Rant.

I have seen that people are almost puritanical when it comes to life. It started with me noticed their puritanical stance toward drugs. Most everyone, save those who inform themselves, has a bias for their drug of choice, and against all  others. Alcohol users decry all illegal drugs, they obviously chose the right one, theirs is legal, right?
Pill users claim theirs is clean, and legal too. It must be clean if a doctor gives it to you, right? Harm free too, right?
Cannabis users, while incredibly safe and beneficial in many ways, something most drugs lack, think everything else is hard, there’s a reason everything is illegal, right? I wasn’t lied to about drugs, right?
People will rationalise any decision they make as a good one, because who wants to live with the thought of having made some mistakes, especially huge ones? Its a hard thing to put aside your filters, your interpretations, and see life for what it is, a series of moments. Its easy to change the moments you experience into the ones you want to, but lies are found out eventually,  Truth is there, even when hidden by falsehood.

I thanked my father for instilling independence in me, and for letting me learn to make my own mistakes, or make my own triumphs. It took me a long time to learn it, but now I have better things to learn. I think for the first time in a long time he was proud of me. I know he values my honesty, I have told him of every drug I have done, and my thoughts on all of them, including drugs I have not done, including the infamous Heroin, a shockingly safe drug, if pure, something which I was very amazed to know is less toxic than Alcohol is. I knew it was (and later I found out still is) prescribed for an array of uses, some of which were legitimate, some of which were more of a placebo affect… it was the turn of the 20th century… But as I can only say so much about drugs, I have also discussed with him my views on society, especially money, and I feel I am an extension of the part of him that quit being a lawyer to become a teacher because he didn’t want to "ruin people’s lives for money." He took almost 50 years to find his passion, I have a head start, I hope I find mine before I live a half century. I know what I am passionate about, but I can only be so interested in music without creating it, so interested in computers with this thing called life, so interested in drugs if I can not create them and distribute them freely. I have found the traits I wish to seek in those I will surround myself with, but I have not found those who posses what I see as right.

One of the things high on my list of traits I can’t stand is dishonesty. I was dishonest as a child, and it brought me nothing good. I see nothing good comes from dishonesty in others as well. To hold back your true feelings to others is to hold back true feelings from yourself. I used to lie to myself, I used to hide my Self from my self. I used to get in disputes with Marc quite often, and sometimes I couldn’t stand him, and I would go long periods without attempting contact. When I first met him in auto shop, I thought he was alright, but kind of annoying as he hogged what little space was on those tiny bleachers. I now would say that he is an admiral person, because through his honesty with me, I know everything he says to me is genuine, he will never tell me that he’s pleased with me if hes not, and he won’t say he is feeling well if he isn’t, and it has allowed us to have some great conversations I’ve learnt a lot from. I disagree with him often, but we always figure out what the other person is getting at, and why they were trying to get there. Only once you discover the root will you learn the source of their rationale. Through him, his fathers death, and my own struggles and desire to grow I have begun to learn to appreciate what is good in life, those who are good are to be thanked for their goodness, and shown that there is still reason to be hopeful in Man. We are packages of incredible potential, some of us turn into duds, some of us fizzle, while others take off. We choose to become a certain way, to react in the manner of our choosing. We base our beleifs on our reactions, we base our lives off so many moments, we forget that the only important moment is now.

Writer’s Block: Challenges I’ve Faced

This is actually something I’ve been thinking about recently.

I have overcome my darkest feelings through honesty.  I have stopped lying to myself, and I am happier for it. I don’t expect people to be there for me, I don’t expect anything to come up and magically fix things with me just sitting there and hoping change will come.
One of the best things I’ve done for myself is change my mindset.
I don’t see people as I used to, I still believe that man is inherently good, but I see that mans condition is not. We have put ourselves into positions which seem to require us to lie, to others and to ourselves. We think we are helping somone by hiding the truth from them, so that they may continue oblivious to the truth. Many people live in this mode, they say they are happy but you can tell that they are not.
If you are happy, why are you stressed? Why do you have so many things to complain about?Why do you isolate yourself if you are happy?
The most effective lies are the ones you tell yourself.

I don’t try to pretend that I am happy, instead, I have slowly became happy through truth. I do not see myself as someone people want to interact with often, as it is not true. I am happy for the contact I receive, and the contact I can initiate. I do not see myself as someone people will turn to in times of trouble, for they do not come, troubled as they are. I understand that it is difficult to do so, and that most people are not the type who will listen. I do not consider anyone to be a close friend, for I have seen that it was only ever in my own mind that they were close, it has been rediculously easy to lose those ‘close’ friends. I’m still not even sure what happened.

Life exists mostly in your mind. It depends on what associations you put onto the objects your body encounters, how much stock you are willing to put into something that you can not control of forsee. Through Truth, you can set yourself free.
Without Truth, you will remain as you are: A deceitful shell of what you could be.

Et Tu, Brutus?

It can’t be my fault.
Something else is causing this.
Its not me,
I am reasonable.
It couldn’t be me,
I am a victim.
It’s not us,
we are meant to be.
Forever;
We just have to force it.
I don’t need anyone,
We only need each other.
I won’t regret this decision,
its not my fault.

---

I remember when there were circles that seemed to be unbreakable. I recall words spoken of loyalty, of trust, of friendship.
I hear those words ringing hollow in my mind, I see the ruins of the temples of the past, no longer worshipped are the dieties known as "friends"
Truth turned out to be false, It was only true as long as it was convenient and beneficial.
One day, looking back, the mistake will be seen as clear as it was to those you perpetrated them against.
It will be too late, Brutus, you have already plunged the knife in.
The lesson may be learned, but the damage is done.

Carry Yourself On Your Own Shoulers

I am not in school, but I am learning more than I could in it. Through people who once called themselves friends, I’ve learnt to step back, to not put so much stock into the idea of loyalties and trust, never again will I reveal my weakness so openly, never again will I put my trust so deeply to anyone.

Life is a series of catalysts and reactions. You stay where you are until something shoves you foward.
I have known disconnection, I have known isolation, I have known the truth.
I have seen my way.
I will go it.

Illusions

Looking back, looking at now, I can see that much of what this world is made of, is illusion.
Truths, backed by trust in those who told it to me, proven to be lies, halftruths, or questionable stretches of the truth.
Relationships unblanced, yet relationships exist solely between your mind and your reality.
I have been dropped as I have put things down, I have been stabbed in the back by my own Brutus,
as I have formed a link between them both, forged imaginary bonds between my mind and my mind’s representation of my reality.
I have fooled myself into states of extreme emotion, good and bad, and I look back and feel it wasn’t real, however real it felt at the time.
Nothing has the same feel once you see through it.

A turtle, An eagle.

Once so uplifting,
once up so high.
Looking up to the stars,
far up in the sky.

Eyes turned earthward,
movement follows the stare,
ill thoughts of the chaos below
sucks the wind from our wings,
puts us down so low.

The magic is gone,
but still is chased.
Bitterness compounded,
compassion destroyed,
where did it turn?

The truth in me,
the truth is me,
The truth is its you,
the truth is its me.

Remembrance

A time when things were simple. A time when things were easy.
Things are still easy, but simplicity has faded.
Ease becomes a strain, difficulty changes form.

Everything once so warm, turns blue around the edges;
turns cold with time.
You said your body was young but your mind was old.
Words known for years,
meaning known only now.

Some day in the future,
I will protect, I will hide from their eyes the truth,
I will pretend all is warm again.
I will pretend there are no rough edges,
no sharp traps, no hidden messages.
I will watch the lie fade again.

Until then:
Sit in silence,
listen to the echoes;
Search for the lost sun.

To Ride the Horse

Sometimes I still wish I could find it.
Sometimes I wish I could still find it.
I know it wouldn’t be right but,
I know it wouldn’t be wrong.
Just a little prick,
mushroom cloud of red into yellow,
press down and begin.
End.

You are not dead.

I find it hard to be happy, yet I don’t have any trouble feeling a large measure of peace. I am calm, although the seas are not.
Tracing back, I can not recall when I was not negative, I don’t know when things changed. I went though a large part of my life unaware, the only thing that was important was the moment, it took me until my second decade to come up with a solid plan, and solid is only to mean realistic, and something I desire.

I don’t know how I’m going to complete my most important one.

I remember being told my an older boy in my scout troop that if you smoke dried cedar, it would make you relaxed. Around the age of 14 I snuck out into the woods and smoked a ‘joint’ of it rolled up in computer paper, sealed with tape, which I removed once the fire got to it…
What motivated me to do that?
Was it a desire to change my conciousness, or something else? Strange to think about how seemingly insignificant things from your childhood play such a larger part later on.

Leave a child mostly to his own devices, and your result is hard to describe.
I want to move on, but likely it seems I’m just to be moving about.
On the plus side, I get to employ a tactic which I don’t get to use for long periods of time, this one should be rather enjoyable.

I am not dead, yet.
You are not dead.

Well. This is differerent.

Once I thought all my answers were correct. Once I thought I had more trust than I do.
Once I had more trust.

Actions in my life have led me to become more reserved, to withdraw into myself.
A Brutus, A harlot, A self-styled baby dragon.

These things have shown me how to not be used. I have been pushed to where I do not want to be, to think things I do not want to think, and to know things I do not want to know.

It has been a long, strange trip. I’ve seen the sun and I’ve seen darkness. I’ve seen life and I’ve seen death. I have felt the absence of death, and I’ve felt the heavy presence of it.

Yin and yang… You cannot have light without darkness…

I am not guilty of the charges filed against me

I was a rebel without a cause. I have found a cause, and I have found my way under the rug. I have spent two decades finding a plan, I hope by my third decade to have accomplished my list. I can do it, for my potential is beyond my goals; of gaining knowledge in the form of books and degrees, as well as experience in two fields which I am now only an observer.

I still search for satisfaction, but it is closer now. If I can play the machine right, I will be put into a position where I can make things better.
The land I touch, the people I see, the minds I interact with, myself; I will better them with my passing.

Or I will overdo something new and sail on.

So I was thinking…

Prison is supposed to rehabilitate people, right?

How does locking them up for 23 hours a day rehabilitate? Especially when the people they are around for their sentance is a bunch of criminals…

So, why not let non-violent offenders work their way out of prison? It’d be a privilege, so you’d have to do a good job, and not be a royal fucktool while you’re doing it. Have prisoners do landscaping, charity work, build houses for habitat for humanity, etc etc etc. I’m sure that there would be an immensly greater benifit, for society and the incarcerated individual. It would also take the hard (glamourously so for some) edge off of it, and with 1% of americans finding themselves incarcerated, why are we letting them rot? Mentally and physically.

We have the largest prison population of the world, and the largest percentage of our population in prisons.
Do you still think we are free?

Bright Eyes

I am still searching for the right words. I am still searching for the right ideas. I am still searching for the light.
How can you explain the feeling of a fire going out? How can you explain the feeling of the light disappearing?

Revelations come painfully sometimes, ignored until slowly the truth is seen. This is not the time nor place, but here we are.

A flock for your shepherd

Cow calfs enjoy galloping, but seemingly lack the ability to stop. The plus side is that they careen into gates and whap their noggin pretty solidly. Maybe thats part of why they aren’t very smart.

Goat kids will mob you, especially if you have a bottle in your hand. Goats also like to occasionally not listen to you.

Add 100 pounds of pressure to alfalfa, and it will puncture your skin. Dangit.

Water buffalo are fucking huge, they don’t look that big on TV. I’m glad I don’t live in africa to see the big bastards come at me. Wow.

Back to getting paid to work out. Sweet.

slow it down

Images of everything you’ve seen before, everything that has affected you and your minds eye
come looping in, floating and rolling through the most distant parts of your being.

I know you. I knew you.
Now I don’t know if I want to.

I know myself. I thought I knew myself.
Now I think I might like to.

Everyone is waiting.

In life, there is no reset button. We come equipped with few buttons. The only one most of us can touch is the off the off button.
We all are waiting for it. We are waiting for the switch to flip. From the moment you are born, you start dying. Some of us race, some of us dawdle.

Some of us try and poison our brains so we can forget we will die, forget we are killing ourselves.
You don’t forget, do you?

Whoever lays his hands on me to govern me I shall declare an usurper and a tyrant.

I used to look forward to the day that I would turn twenty one. I remember thinking this rather heavily around the third and fourth grade.
     The third grade is when they put me on ritalin.
Maybe in a way its destiny.
I sometimes think that it wasn’t turning twenty one which mattered, it wasn’t the alcohol. It was the change of perception. This is something that I think I’ve been chasing, this is something I must do for myself, to see, to feel, to know. I have asked questions and got answers which I never expected, answers that lead to more questions yet a fuller understanding of what it is. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum, I’ve sunk into nothingness, and I’ve floated into ubiquity…

Everything is an experience. Everything connects in some way, once you see enough you see how it goes together; you see how it came to be…

Floating thoughts…

I wonder sometimes why theres no word for the long silence in your minds eye as it struggles to put into words the weight it carries.

I have attached balloons to my wathan, I will float above the clouds, seeing their smooth ripples from above, instead of eying the shards as they slice my vessel…

Aeronautics has taught me that I love earth, as we push ourselves faster and faster, I know we are meant to move much slower. It is a good thing to have roots to put down, it is a good thing to look up at the earth rather than to look down upon it.

I wonder if I’ll know when I’m going to die. I feel like I know when I’m not. Maybe it’s just a strange disconnect, maybe I’m amazing.

Maybe I’m epic.

I shall always remember the big ones.

Etc. Etc…

Listen:
I’ve let myself lay there wishing for something I knew wasn’t coming, hoping so hard that it would leave it’s tree and float down next to me. I’ve torn myself apart over things I’ve thrown away, doors I’ve closed, bridges I’ve burnt.
To my suprise, when I was getting ready to get up and walk away, I was shown that I could have what I wanted, the branch was not out of my reach. But I did not grab it. I did not want it.

Listen:
You can have your ideas of what is, but you don’t know until you get moving. Life is a holograph, it looks like something totally different from another angle. I know plenty of people who think they already have all the ideas they need for life, they think they’ve got it all figured out. I don’t understand that kind of thinking, they only show me how wrong their patterns are. Break free of your chains, break your patterns, free yourself of your blind life. Open your eyes.

Listen:
The thing I fear most in life is government. I do not want to live in fear of being punished for pursuing my freedom, my happiness. I do not want to be forced underground due to continuing injustice, I do not want to live in fear of incarceration for a plant. I do not want to be told how to live. I do not want to be told that money is king, to idolize and worship the ground it was supposed to have created. I do not agree with the lies and disinformation spread in the name of the morals of the greedy and fearful. I want to be told how to think openly, not to hate what is different.  I do not want to taste the poison of society anymore, and I can only hope that my children will not be tainted tomorrow by the hate and ignorance that is rampant today.

A nice little fixer upper.

Changing with the weather?
Create your own weather system.

What a bunch of idiots that run on this ground, they don’t even see what they are stepping on.
Open your eyes to what you don’t see, blinded by your fear, sight darkened with ignorance.
Open your mind to what you don’t like, why do you always put down what you don’t understand?
Get over yourself.

untitled №12

Everything in your life has lead up to this moment.

This moment will dictate the course of the rest of your life.

laughing while crying, living while dying

Answers sometimes come from questions, sometimes answers come from unexpected places. Sometimes the hardest part is making the final push. Sometimes understanding is a double-edged sword. Knowledge can bring on more than you may be asking for, the truth hides itself in lies, digging leads to digging. Sometimes we dig sideways. Very little is as it seems.
No longer black and white, not even gray. A whole array of colors and shades litter life, the answers you once knew are shattered by the questions you once ignored.

come crashing down

staccato beats,
drum pounding,
rainbow flashing,
bodies seething in the dark.
only when you are killing yourself,
do you understand what it means to live
taste the poison,
feel it fill your realm,
become.
I have found myself,
my interest now lies in losing it.
slipping in and out of this vessel,
my conscience curls its tendrils out beyond regular moors,
no longer gripping hell,
wisps seek the heavens,
hold the clouds

When you look in your eyes…

What do you see? 

one last thought/call me out

after drifting in unforgiving sun and burning sand
I have at last found mud.
I will remain unmoved from this spot,
I will dig until I have built a well,
I will water myself,
and water the land I shall call my own.
eyes no longer focused on the middle distance,
have turned up, and in

vacuum

Two years.
In that time, I have awoken.
The light shone its red warmth through my eyelids,
and I opened my eyes and saw for the first time.
Life went from day to day, to a string of moments.
I am tired. I desire to sleep. I want to close my eyes.
I have become a rolling stone.
I was once content to stay as I was, where I was, with who I was.

I do not want to be here.
I have no family, I feel no friends.
Distance is brought by distance, and distance is what killed us.

something old, something new…

World turned sideways,
fell hard on the ear.
laying stunned,
staying stunned,
getting up,
falling right back down.
A concussion robs balance,
robs judgement.
getting up,
falling right back down.

what do you say
when they don’t look
in your eyes
anymore

---

heavy timbers,
we built our own cross,
we shouldered our burden,
we yoked ourselves,
held ourselves back.
glistening muscles strain in burning sun,
desolation surrounds.

An oasis in mind,
precipitate the land,
bring blue to red
add green to black.

almost laughable

what is it that I want?
the first thing that you have to realise, is that no one cares.
what is it that I need?
to avoid abandonment,
abandon them.

maybe one day I’ll do it.

untitled №11

I cannot chase,
I don’t know how.
I sit on my side of the fence,
thinking about how green it is on the other side,
wishing I could make the jump.
I am rooted,
unable to move.

I am solid,
I am elusive,
I am broken.
I am intangiable,
I am on the tip of your tounge,
I am not here.

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Apologies

Misunderstanding. It happens all the time.
I’ve given up most hope that people will get it,
blown off target at the last moment.

Settling in for something else,
the train did not come to station,
I pick up my bags and start to move on,
I hear a rattling on the tracks,
I touch the cars, I wish I could get on,
but something holds me back.
The train did not come to station.

I have learned dishonesty.

I know things.

I had a flashback yesterday. I heard some techno that was at about the same BPM and roughly the same sound on the radio on my way home from work, and I started to feel warm and my head tingled v. strongly. I remembered almost the entire night. The things I saw then still vivid today. I remember the goddess I saw there. It was almost as if her spirit was dancing with mine… she seemed like a human embodiment of mother nature…  she must have been around 35, but she had the eyes, she’s seen whats beyond and knows. I wish I could have learnt from her, more than motion.

I remember a friendly nod in the bathroom. The knowledgeable nod of two fellow travelers, even if we might have been on different paths.
I remember the beats pouring over me, I remember release….
I remember the people who were there, I can see a few faces…
I remember getting kicked out because I was underage, I remember running trying to find my car, listening to my ipod. I remember meeting a stranger (about a block from my car) and walking with him, two jaded travelers speaking of bitterness, and of sweetness, and hope, however foolish we knew it to be…
I remember asking for directions to East Union st. from an old lady walking her dog (a few blocks from my car) and she told me how to get to Union. So I ran to union.
I remember asking directions from someone who didn’t look quite right, and they told me how to get there.
I remember running past exhaustion. I felt my bodies fatigue, but kept pressing on.
I remember trying to get a cup of tea, but having my card declined, and only having 1.50, I decided to try and bum a dollar.
I remember lying to people, asking for phone money so I could call my friend as I was lost after being booted and needed to call him.
I remember finding max, I remember getting that tea.
I remember puking that tea on my window on the drive home.

I remember how good it all felt.

was it worth it?

the spirit lingers on,
even though we are gone.

fake it.

something else to replace it.

ignore it.

no

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A soft mossy wood,
a silent clearing.
Muted sounds of laughter.
peals of life,
sounds stolen by distance.

Turn your head

Actor, take the stage.
Turn your head,
look away,
pretend it’s not there,
pretend it’s not happening.
From the depths,
We eye those in the shallows with envy.
We long for a return to ignorance,
satisfaction with misunderstanding
and acceptance of falsehoods.

Offering one’s self up completely, to offer no shadows, to only show one’s true self, is only something people say they want.
“I will accept you so long as you are like me, and do not disagree with my virtues, for they are holy, and thou art not.”

Disgust

Failings compounding failures.
A broken arrow,
flaws highlighted in flight,
an arc that falls short.

Once soft,
through time and exposure,
a crust has formed,
though on the inside,
magma still flows,
begging to to be tapped.

I long for the day when its all over.

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This introversion,
this connection,
this chain.
Once meaning so much more,
now,
a reminder.
If you rip it out,
do not expect to repair,
it will never fit again.

Thoughts…

Pulsing, thumping, beating,
incessant beats feed me,
I crave the urgency,
I feel the freedom once more.
Throw your hands into the air,
close your eyes, and feel,
remember what it is like to fly again.
Sweet dripping excstacy,
come down upon me,
let me know your caress once more.

---

I was thinking the other day, as I usually find myself doing…
The thing I dislike about emotion, is that no matter how hard I try, I cannot apply logic and reasoning to emotion. Just because I shouldn’t doesn’t mean I don’t. Just because I know what I need to do, doesn’t mean I know how. Just because I know what I want, doesn’t mean I can get it.

The mountain seemed unclimbable,
too much weight was carried.
Leaving the burden behind, I crested the summit.
But at what cost?

I am forgetfull, but cannot forget…

So long spent dancing around the trap I layed,
so cunningly I placed the spikes,
nary a care for the danger.
Until one day,
I found myself falling onto the biggest spike,
plunging twisted pain into me,
laying facedown in a pool of my own blood,
suprised it happened so swiftly,
unable to staunch the flow,
I slowly bleed myself out,
until nothing remains,
but the hollow veins,
still hot with life,
growing cold.

Ice-capades

So. I went up to the pass. The drive was nice, not too many clouds down in the foothills, there wasnt slush and crap until about 2 miles from the summit.
This is where things get fun. I pull off the exit, thinking about how awesome it is that there is a giant wall of snow surrounding the road. I drive towards Alpental, at a reckless 20 mph. Things are going cool, but I turn the wheel to the right… but wait, I’m still going left. Oh shit. Theres a big wall of snow coming at me. Uh oh. Uh oh.
POOMF.
I get myself lodged in a wall of snow. I try and dig myself out a little, get the snow out from behind my tires. My hands are cold, so I go to find my gloves. NONE. CRAP.
So I’m fuming over my lack of gloves while trying to dig myself out, and these dudes come by with a shovel and push me out after a while. Yay. I make it to the parking lot without further complications… I went to the retail shop and tried to purchase some gloves. DECLINED. F.
After a while of trying to buy these gloves, this dude gives me some gloves out of the lost and found. They were kinda small, and liked to let snow in. But hey, Gloves are gloves…
Boarded for a while, snow was merely OK… a suprise considering I don’t know the last day it didn’t snow… They have been DUMPED on, and underneath all that nice snow was ungroomed SHIT. Moguls, random bumps. Carving wasn’t nice like it usually was…

Anyway, Trying to get home sucked. I make my way back to my car, and hooray snow! I’m buried. I try and dig myself out with my snowboard, but with very minimal results. After about 15-20 minutes of dig, attempt at backing, dig, more backing, dig, more backing… some guys gave me a push.
Even at this point, I’m starting to think I like peopleI don’t know more than people I do…
I decide I’m going to smoke some hash. But, being the safe stoner I am, I decide that loading it while driving on the snow is a bad idea, so I decide I’m going to go to a parking lot. On my way out, I was looking for the hole I made in the snow, but unfortunately a car accident was right in front of it.. a newer subaru sedan did the same thing I did, and crashed into of all things, an old suby wagon. I think it was a loyale too, but I’m not 100%.
So, I’m thinking, that sucks. I’m glad I only ran into the snow…
So anyway, I make it to the closest parking lot. Theres a bunch of people towards the front, so I decide to play it safe and go to the back and flip around. In the process of turning around, I get my stupid ass stuck in the snow again. Deep powder… I really got stuck good, I spent a half hour or so before trying to ask for help… I borrowed a shovel, but you know, troughs of more compact snow only help if you have grip on your tires. Something I found I don’t.
So I had to go to guest services and ask for help. I had to wait another 15 minutes, during which I helped the security guy push out these other dudes. And as he was going back to his car, Some other guy was like “hey can you help me over here…” And the security guy was like “oh, were you the one who called?” “Yea” JERK. “Actually, I was.”
So the security guy drives his car over to mine. he was gonna try and push my car with his, but he was in a SUV and would have crushed my lights. So he pushes me while I try to back out, but nothing. He tells me hes going to go help the other guy, and I should try asking some of the guys near me for help. So, I offer them 5 bucks each if they can get me out. They are changing and crap, and take their sweet ass time, and the security guy comes back. Hes like “oh, I see you didn’t do anything”, to which I point out that I have to wait for the guys to finish changing. It took 3 people pushing to free me.
What a bad idea that parking lot was. The guys declined the 5 bucks though, so meh.
Time to get some un-bald tires.
 

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Its funny, sometimes, I sit and think “I want out”.
And then sometimes, I go too fast or something and fly face-first into a few feet of powder…and promptly fill your mouth with snow. And then I think “AIR AIR AIR AIR”
I never thought I’d say there was too much powder… but if you ever fell into a few feet of powder, getting out gets old quick… its hard…  I almost suffocated on snow TWICE because I threw powder all over my face when I fell over… But luckily, I’m vaugely pro and only fell because of the elements mostly…

And, I smoked with some kids from maple valley again. I hope I find more BFMV dwellers next time… keep the streak alive…

Mist

“Unless we agree to suffer, we cannot be free from suffering”

The way you can just talk to someone just because they happen to be on the same chair as you… You know very little about them, but when you talk to them, its so easy to laugh… when you are with the familiar, things get heavy…

While thinking that I was going to fall, I often fell. When I thought nothing of falling, but of pleasure, I flew.

Softly falling,
gently setting upon the fallen.
Clouds curl around the trees,
filling the world,
filling the void,
Giving padding to my being.

I never leave.

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Cigarettes reappear on the scene. I wish they still made lucky strikes… instead, I got a pack of marb “87’s.” I forgot the number, I remembered I like them… its been a while.

We are only here once, so why not poison ourselves once in a while?

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From nothing, we built this illusion.
It holds up little, but keeps us moving just the same.
Every day becomes practice in futility,
these results just aren’t what we hoped for.
We do what we want,
but we do not get what we desire.

Sometimes what you want,
Is just what we need.

---

I can remember the trees, I remember the smell of the air. I still remember softness, I still see the streams, the paths, the clouds.
I can remember trying to find the top, it was almost there, but never showed up… I can remember the uncertainty… I can still taste the slow spiral down.
The best part is, I know exactly whose fault this all is. I get to revel in all its glory and drink its sweet syrup.
I quest for an emetic

Dust

Silence echoes through my mind
Searching for some words that bind.
A vast, dried out mud flat…
The air is still. Time has stopped.
The dust is frozen in air from old footprints.
Where were they going? Where have they been?
Looking back, they aren’t mine.
This isn’t who I am. That’s not who I’ll be.

Once, a river flowed here.
Creatures dwelled under the cool shade of the lush trees,
drank from its giving blue waters
The rains came and went,
making fertile the land,
and prosperous the creatures.
One day, the rains stopped coming.
The clouds roll over, sparing not a drop,
but mocking the creatures as they dried up
and became part of the dust that remains.
This land is no longer blessed.

Near Life Experience

Steady thumping.
From birth on, you will never know silence,
when you do, you will be at your end.
Regardless of the words it hears, the things it thinks, or the colors it feels, the heart beats on.

Blowfish (We can’t really be this empty)

Images, moments, memories.
We’re only here for a short time. So why are we so miserable?

Sometimes, we look over our shoulders, and say ‘I can’t believe I made it this far’. 
Dancing so near the edge, we sometimes peer too long,
we find ourselves falling, arms wildly searching for a root to hold on to,
for some guiding hand to catch us,
anything.
Staring at the bottom, you don’t want to come any closer,
but you don’t recognize how close you already are.

This year, I must do well in school. I know what I have to do, I know my own bullshit. If I do well in school, maybe I can get a chemical engineering degree. With that knowledge in hand, I can explore what I am most interested in…
I’m beginning to piece together my vision for myself. I want a hammock. I want to see Africa. I want to spend a week in the woods. I know I am going to do special things. I’m just not sure of what exactly.

Sometimes, I’m so beautiful I can’t see my ugliness.

 ”Your heart felt good, it was dripping pitch and made of wood”
“I don’t feel at all like I thought I did.”
So much time spent denying my own worth, denying capabilities and holding the same pattern…

Drugs will never fix your problems. Drugs are some of the worst things to try and fit to your purpose. (I include alcohol.) Relying on something as easily abused and taken for granted is dangerous, and nearly always destined for failure. Drugs can allow you to see inside, and see why you are broken, where it came from… and if you are lucky, how to fix it. Sometimes just seeing yourself from the inside can show you how it was all in your head.

Some things that used to make me feel like crying make me laugh. The absurdity strikes me in a way most unusual. I really honestly thought I knew what I wanted. Now I see I had the wrong idea about me. Sometimes, our station in life is not to know why, but only to adapt to what is.

And in my current quest, I must decide what is right, and what to do. I don’t feel its right to do anything. I’ve spent too much already, I’ve too little left to give. I left the light on for you, but you let it burn out.
For a minute, I thought I liked people again. I like to see humanity, but too often we just see man..

Ahh…

I feel like I found balance. My mind isn’t as dark as I feared. I let too much get to me, and I let myself dwell on everything.
I finally did it. The big fear was all in my mind. I made a journal, because, it was experiment… Maybe you will find it interesting, maybe not.

---

December 20 (for some reason, I wrote the 12th)
7:30 pm “Cheers to Albert Hoffman”
Took one hit. I hope this is a good experience. Chilling at my house, in my room. I must admit I felt a little apprehensive, but its only a trip. An experience I hope turns out well. Its an exploration… I’ve always been a curious person. Every moment in your life builds up to the next big thing.

8:00 pm I think I’m starting to get some physical effects. I kinda feel giddy, and a bit restless.

8:15 pm Creative juices flowing. I almost wrote slowing.. This will be good. Motor skills are different… things are beginning to feel new. My hands shaking a bit, making writing become a bit of a task.

8:30 pm (This is about where things start getting a bit weird, my writing becomes bigger, more spaced out… I’m definitely starting to become affected) Max tells me to write, so this becomes the product of said suggestion. Maybe it is a little tricky. It seems like my hand is moving quite rapidly, though I’m not 100%

8:35 pm I feel like I’m super stoned. Its about time for No. 2. Hello Doorway. May what lies beyond be good. Ingestion of No. 2 occurs.

8:45 pm Definite physical effects. Like “orrlllll” kind of sound, but thats just me sitting. I’m goofed. (The “orrllll” has to do with how my mouth felt… it was really strange, it affected my whole body if I thought about it too much)

8:54 pm I’m just kind of laying down, (scribbles).. laying on my (here, I spaced out and stopped writing)

10:03 pm We are about to leave my abode, but I remember where I left off. The corner of my hood caught fire (the most vibrant fire I have ever not seen) I was thinking about how I felt normal… Then I noticed how I’m not. ( This was a re-occurring theme… Every time I got in a trough, I thought that… and then stuff got really weird once I thought of how I felt regular…) Heh.

10:15 pm Not as big as I made it out to be in my mind. I’m not saying I’m experienced (not necessarily stoned, but beautiful) but I know what it means to say “Tune in, Turn on, and Drop out.” Now I have to do it. My thoughts are disjointed. Very ADD today. But the big bad ‘Aicd’ really isnt as (here is spaceout number 2)

11:25 pm. “There are so many fat fucks in the midwest… (so the tornadoes don’t suck them away!” I spaced out. We were in the mcdonalds drive through, and I was talking about how I wanted to go to one of those super fancy mcD’s with the salads and the fake ritz and stuff, and in the process of telling max where they were I thought of the fact of the large number of heavies in those areas, and possible benefits. This was really funny)

12:30 am We are back. I felt compelled to dutifully write my (meant to put lack of) desire to write. (Decided I wanted to) When I wrote that, I didn’t want to. (decided I didn’t want to, right after wanting to) Now I don’t, but its flipping so I’ll just stop and maybe go in a different place.
(I lost track of times after this, and just started writing…)
There is a lot of time that isn’t utilized… I think I broke down some barriers that makes me see in between… Thinking about it made me realise how long it will take to explain, and how it may never be expressed in the way I thought of it. (especially at the moment.)
Everything is made up in moments right? What is the glue that holds them together?

Here are three kids, scattered around the room. Two reflecting pools.. quiet.. occasionally echoing each other.. adding… building… fade away..

---

I found it incredibly hard to keep up with my mind when writing, I would often move on to the next thought while halfway through writing the first. There is so much time in between the time we see now, I saw events that didn’t happen, but could have. I saw through my own bullshit.. As I wrote, ” Somewhere after falling out of the clouds, I found myself at the bottom of a canyon. What little light reached so far down to me was ignored… I have seen the light, I move closer to it, I am nearing the surface.”

---

I feel like I don’t need what I thought I did. I feel like I’ve cut the final lashes keeping me tied down. I also don’t care nearly as much as I thought I did. I realised that it was pointless. It brought me nothing but grief.

As much as things should be different, they may likely never be. Dwelling on it only makes it worse. Its not what isn’t but what is that needs focus. Its so easy to lose sight when you don’t want to see. I climbed my own mountain. No one pulled me up. I leaned on nothing, for I had nothing to lean on… except for myself. In recognizing that, I have found a source of strength.

“anger without enthusiasm”

The calm after the storm.
All is not well,
but all is grounded.
Clouds slide out of view,
but the vision remains,
of thunderous torrents,
near drownings,
Life at the bottom.

---

I don’t know if I can do it. I don’t know if I should. But I really want to. It could be a magical, wonderful event where I learn more about myself, the world, and the connections we have… but it could swallow me whole…
I fear what I might find inside…
Part of me wants to hold on to what I don’t have.  Images and feelings associated with being so far up in my mind keep me rooted in my old ways, my old failures, my old hangups…
I have trouble letting go. I’ve experienced times when I fully did, but not by means which I intend to replicate.
Its hard to let go when you worked so hard to make those connections.
I point no fingers, I expect very little… things come and go..

The scientist in me says do it. The possible insights excite me, the visuals entice me. I want to see life through another door. If I don’t come back, it’s not like I’m missing much.
But at the same time, the potential of everything is almost more hope than a pessimist can deal with, and still stay negative. Almost…
I just wish I had someone to share it with, in the way I want to.
I can see my problem, I just can’t see how to fix it..

---

Slowly the machine starts up again.
pistons squeal
cogs grind into motion.
Reluctant, complaining,
we lurch forward.
Why are we doing this…
No rest for the weary,
reads the sign.
Reluctant traveler moves on.

I wish I didn’t want to talk to you….

And I wish I knew why I want to.
So, I finally feel better. Isn’t that funny? You were right when you said that you need to let go. I have known that for a long time, but hearing it from you made it happen.

That and the last part that cared what you thought of me pretty much went away. I feel like you have constantly lied to me, changed and distorted stories about us, and made me feel like a terrible person (like always reminding me it was my fault.) I think you’re terrible.
Kinda ironic that your dad called you ‘Amanda Terrible.’

I lost sight of my past. For a long time, I feel like I’ve been kinda freaking out about my future, and focusing on that, I forget the past. I forced myself to forget a lot of it. Even the good times, like when we took our road trip down to Oregon. Times at the pond at Tibbets. Oatmeal creme pies, tiger summit, Maple Valley… I pushed it out of my mind because it reminded me of how childish we were, I didn’t want to think about it because I was afraid I was afraid… Those were some of the best times I’ve ever had, and I wouldn’t let myself think about them.

Forgetting where we came from was one reason why I neglected you…

Remember when we got back from the trip? I met your dad for the first time, and you told him we got married… I was ok with it at first, but it got pretty uncomfortable for me quick, I didn’t think you were ever going to tell him…
I saw the 8 year old in you then. You almost paraded me around…

I felt like you did that to me a lot… and I felt like I saw the 8 year old in you a lot too sometimes…

Amanda, I am glad I met you. I am glad I loved you, and I’m glad you loved me.
I am sorry that I grew cold. I am sorry that you caused me to draw back, and instead of correcting it, the whole thing snowballed.

I think depression also had a hand in the whole thing. Looking back, I think it is part of why I became kind of a dick… why I said mean things to you, even in jest… they came from my hurting… but I didn’t even recognize it.

But most of all, I am sorry that we don’t talk anymore. I still think about all our trips together. How you comforted me when I tripped too hard on my own. I think about what we talked about. I think about the tapestry that didn’t move.

If I never listened to my dad… if I never listened to matt… so many people told me I could do better. So many people loved to point out your flaws, I started looking at them, and not your qualities… I think about that.

For people who were once so close, it’s a pity to see so far apart. There’s an ocean between us, and I can’t cross it anymore.

I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I think I just want closure.. I don’t want to have what happened be the first thing I think about when I think of you. …you know I feel pretty normal now.  I’m getting back into school… I don’t feel great by any stretch. I don’t feel good. I feel manageable.
I picked a bad job for someone who doesn’t want to be alone. I hardly have any personal calls these days. But they say true strength comes from within… They say what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger… they say a lot of things…
But I am alive… and I think I might try acid soon..

Its like, yea, whatever.

I really really like to cook. Especially with altered butter! I’m such a bum about eating, I always eat out at stupid fast food places, even though I kick ass at making food myself. People compliment me by eating more, and I can see their enjoyment, and thats a pretty cool thing. When I’m good at something, I like to know it. What a weird day I had too. My friend stabbed himself with a box cutter just a little bit before I was going to meet him to pick up something really special. I was telling someone else about the item while I was on my way to get it, and I said “yea, I’m going to have it unless something crazy happens in the next twenty minutes.”

Me and my mouth.

I don’t even know what to do with it! I spent so much time trying to find this shit, and I have it. And wow, all I can think is “I can’t believe I have it!”
I want to do it. I don’t know if I can.

A big part of me feels like I’m holding myself back. I have held myself from doing things I want to do many times in the past, and usually its with regret that I look at the decision.. I don’t want to continue that cycle, but then there is the fear of the unknown. I don’t know what to except, and it excites me and strikes unnerving fear into me at the same time.

I can’t believe I am in the position I am in. What a strange world I find myself in. I say that to myself almost every day. Ever since my last trip, I don’t see people the same. I don’t take people seriously, so many people are so odd, and all they see is how strange and scary other people are. Hating people is accepted unspoken, but so many put on a front of “Oh no, I’m no racist. Not me!” But who you also hear saying “Hey, you know what pontiac spells?” or saying something about how black people or mexicans are lazy, or thieves/born criminals just because they see a few on tv or whatever that are. Everyones a hypocrite, myself included. As much as we all hate to admit it, we have weak points we gloss over, even to ourselves.

I find myself not wanting to live anymore sometimes, with all these dickheads running around the whole earth, trying to accomplish selfish, meaningless goals. So many bad things, that they sometimes pile up and make me feel a little bit crazy. I wonder how we all got to be like this, so much emphasis on strength and domination. I really think its too bad that white people left europe. If the native americans stayed, and the old world never mixed with the new… Our culture is so far removed from nature and spirit… we strive to be super connected while we really are severing our links to our humanity. What are we trading for our convenience?

If things were only different…

---

A lessons learned but the damage is done.

Holy swing, Batman!

Sometimes you want change so bad you’ll believe almost anything. I’m tired of being wrong, I’m tired of hating people. I’m tired of this stupid rock, But I’ll never get off.

I’m tired of never wanting to do anything.

But at the same time, I look at myself and laugh. I’m so funny, I just wish it was…

---

Nana na na nana na na nana na na BAATTMAN!
Pieces of the puzzles fall together,
first few pieces, this couldn’t be,
but fitting just too perfectly,
more come, allowing me to see,
the picture,
and how it has to be.

A little something I like to think of as passive sonar. The next few weeks will see some very interesting events taking place.

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Went to Mt. Baker,  snowboarded all day.  I don’t suck like I thought I would, I’m actually pretty good. It was a great day. Mostly sunny, some clouds in the valley, mountains all around. It was quiet. I even smoked with a lift-op! Max and I were chilling in the woods, when these guys came by talking about a “safe spot” and they found us already there. I really wasn’t afraid at all, theres something super awesome about cheefing up on the hill.

Sometimes, I get all heady and feel like I’m better than a lot of people, even if I feel like shit. Kinda funny.
Today’s one of those days.

I’m going nowhere, but guaranteed to be late…

I hate sleeping on couches. I dislike getting snowed in. I hate having to put chains on, but not as much as I hate those chains breaking.
I drove off my chains. I broke one of my back up pair. Going 30 for 100 miles is such a long drive. Its boring listening to the hum of the chained wheels. Its a pain to drive without a good sound system. One speaker is really not enough.

Its kind of funny how experiences shape you, even if you don’t realise it until years and years later. Sometimes influence comes for such a short time, but leaves such a deep impact, its almost strange to see how they make your traits.

Sometimes I feel like I wake up during the middle of the day. I think about where I am, how I got to be there, and what I have done. Looking back is something I should have stopped avoiding a long time ago. Bury and ignore the past, it can’t complicate things if its not around, right?
A lesson is learned, but the damage is done. Its like waking up to a new consciousness, like a reverse flashback. I get wrapped up in my head easily.

A lot of places I go, I get deferential treatment. It’s kind of strange, I don’t think I really deserve it. Its like I’ve been put on a pedestal based on their misconception of me. I don’t offer people much, and so their imagination fills in the rest with expansive filler, making me look like a giant when I feel like just another face in the crowd. I wish I could get out. I want to find an out, but there is none. I think I want to live on a commune. A community of like minded people… but I doubt a such a place exists… I wish America was as free as it claimed to be.

Driving so much gives me too much time to think. Staring at the ground, driving in the middle of the road. One thing I really dig about snow on the road, you can drive wherever you please, unless you have to pass someone, or someone wants to pass. My mind slips from one thought to another, until something actually happens, or I remember that theres more to the pass than just the road… Mountains in the night… Silent strength, solid presence. I am a part of it. I will drive until I am done driving. I may be tired, I may be cold, but I will not stop. I may want to give up, I may want to lie down and waste away, but I will keep running until I can find a place to rest.

Sometimes, I wish I wasn’t so damned stubborn..

---

When I got stuck in ellensburg, I heard a damn funny conversation…
“Hey Buddy, why is there a cup of piss on the floor?”
“Oh, I had to take a shit, and I couldn’t piss with a boner, so I pissed in the cup”
Hahaha, what funniness comes out of people.
Whats even better is the kind of conversation I usually have with the cup-pisser. It does not lead you to believe that you would hear anything like that coming out of his mouth.

Hashed together

Life’s such a funny bitch. I have so much that I should be enjoying, but I fucking can’t.  I feel like I’m trapping myself in my mind…  I want to talk to two people, but I don’t even think its worth my time, and I don’t think they deserve it… but at the same time, I feel like a husk… its just hard to forget sometimes… even with hash. I’ll never be able to forget what I want, and I’ll have a hell of a time trying to remember what I want.

I’m coming to the conclusion that I need to let go. But at the same time, I feel if I do I might start a spiral…

Sometimes my day is filled with these kinds of thoughts. But sometimes, I go through the day barely thinking at all. Pretending at life, going through the motions I do day after day.  Sometimes my memories flood through my mind, almost becoming real again. But only in the middle distance… between what I see and what I feel.

I don’t even know sometimes. I think I’m a bastard for not being happy with what I have. Sometimes I think that maybe I’m not depressed, that maybe I’m just bored. I hope Ron Paul gets elected. I think he’d stop this country from being such a piece of shit. Fat fucking americans, with their fat fucking heads. Money is not the american dream, its just an ideal a bunch of fat bastards think is the meaning of life. Money pisses me off. Money brought us Hollywood. Money bought us special interest groups. Money kills the spirit, kills the conscience. How else would we have corporations? How else would we have a bunch of bastard in suits driving Mercedes Benz, or BMW, or Porsches paid for by people slaving for pennies, who’s product is more expensive than they could ever dream of making in a year. And we have an advanced society?

I want to go bowling, but Its too damn expensive. Its not like I don’t have the money for it, but I’m such a cheap bastard I cant go bowling. Everything turns into a way to make money for people. Profit becomes the king of peoples mind. Shit pisses me off. I don’t want to live on this rock with this bunch of rotten bastards. This bunch of backassward humans, who have little kind about them.

At least winter is here. Its going to be such a nice year for snow. Got myself a new snowboard for it. Getting bigger also makes me kinda mad, I outgrew my snowboard boots 3 years ago, and got new ski boots 2 years ago… which are now too small! If all the equipment wasn’t freakishly expensive, it wouldn’t be so bad. But they are like 250 for a good pair, and they have just recently gotten comfortable… but that doesn’t mean they stay that way.. you’d think with all that money they could solve that…. bah.

untitled №4

I used to hate drugs, now I just hate people.
 I feel like someone I’m not. But I like who I’m not rather than who I am sometimes. Even if sometimes I wake up pissed at everyone who asks me a question. I see the humor in my situation even if I don’t find it very funny. Life threw me a screwball, and I’m still trying to see where it was.

I can’t even tell people what I really want to say to them.

Sit back, and wonder… Is it even worth it?

Life, so strange…

My mind is done but my heart is not.
Memories of innocence,
marred with knowledge.
Dreams of forever,
replaced with a fear of no end.
I kept out the sun,
not realizing how life would wither away.
Nothing grows in the dark.

---

An interesting idea I came across on a trip once was the idea of a thought seed… Planting in my mind then, when first thought of was the thought of acceptance and release, gradually calming myself as the thoughts moved downstream and expanded with the current… they don’t seem like much at first sometimes, but they get back to you in a way you might not expect.. I feel pretty decent for some reason. Life is such a big peice of shit sometimes, but the facts wont be changed by the logic of the way things should be.

I thought at the beginning of the month about what I had to be thankful for. I could only come up with having extra money to pay my bills. I’ve got a few good friends. I smoke all the weed I feel like.

Now, I’m thankful that I don’t give a shit. Not about everything, complete apathy is dangerous… and I’m not there yet. I’d rather do my own thing than listen to bullshit. I hate bullshit. its everywhere. Chickenshit speech and acting big and daring. Small talk, repeated from one forgotten name to another. I have a strange detachment when I am forced to do it. Its like a clutch. Disengagement is another thing I am thankful for. Its how I get away with not giving a shit and still make ends meet.

I’m also thankful for having found a bottom. When something goes wrong, its not as bad. I know where I’ve been before, and this isn’t it. This isn’t like it. This isn’t near it.  Exploring the depths prepares you for when you are out… if you don’t leave part of yourself in them.

Drifting….

When I didn’t make much money, I was happy. I had a bunch of people who I thought friends, I had a good girlfriend, and a few lame ass jobs. Then I got a good job, through which I was able to make a friend who helped me make a lot more money… then I started losing things. No more best friend. I got hurt at work, which put me on light duty, which I took as a joke. The management thought I was faking my injury because I didnt let it hamper my work… because when I did, they told me to go faster, which pissed me off greatly.  After I broke up with amanda, I went on a bit of a binge, did a ‘few’ more drugs than I would ever expect myself to do…  for purposes which really are terrible. Painkillers only kill physical pain, it numbs you for a while, but then…..    I took too much ecstasy, rejected the last pills, and threw myself into a ‘fun’ little funk.  I even took a mushroom trip, unlike any other I have had. I felt weirded out to a degree with I cant describe, and found it hard/strained to talk to people for about two weeks. I wasnt ready, and I knew it. But for some reason I found myself in a strange place eating some caps with peanut butter. I tripped on the doorjam to my inner mind, and it took me an hour and a bunch of talking to for me to get comfortable… and this was after I puked. My mind made it happen. I knew I couldnt handle a full trip.

Think about how strange life is. When you were a kid, what did you imagine the world to be like? I honestly cant tell you what I thought. But I know for damn sure it wasn’t this. Such a cold uncaring rock, filled with such filth and disgusting examples of how life is wasted. But sprinkled in with the rest are people who dont belong here. Good people. Generous, truly caring and accepting. but not for very long, they get fucked and stabbed in the back by those willing to take advantage of anything. Have you ever thought you might have a Brutus in your midst? Trust is one of the easiest thing to use against people. It doesnt even matter to some people. My old friend flavored his weed with blueberry flavoring so he could charge a lot more to people I knew, even his own friends. I never said a damn word. Even when my friends told me about how good it was, how much they liked it, I stayed silent. The shit that I see, the shit I hear, the shit people make me deal with. The world I have gotten myself involved in… I don’t ever want to see another heroin dealer again. Seedy, disgusting slimebags. Some money isnt worth touching.  ..and how strange it is that people try IV drugs, or any drug that isnt natural. I don’t really know exactly why I decided to do E even, I was at one point dedicated to never try it, even more so than me not smoking pot.  But, having done it, I know how fun it can be. And I know how less fun everything seems after it.   

I want to get my own little peice of land, and do whatever the hell I want on it.  I want all the people in the US who share my dream (Anyone who claims to have the american dream… at least the one that brought people here before there was an america) to get together, and buy as much land as we can get. And then say FUCK YOU to the current government. The only taxes would be for hospitals and a few roads and other neccesary infrastructure. Fuck the corporate materialistic whore mentality. You dont need the newest shiniest peice of shit phone, you dont need a big fucking car who’s space is wasted 96% of the time.

The world is so strange to me because I see everyone going backward while they think they are blazing forward. Yes, our technology has made our lives better. But how are we making living better?

Last time I checked, a whole lot of fucked up shit is happening. Murders, Rape, Genocide, Starvation, Racism, Hatred, Sexism, Pointless violence, Wars… When will the world know peace?  I hate the thought of living in such a twisted place, almost as much as I fear bringing something else into it. Getting stoned is supposed to lighten your mood, but it gives me such dark thoughts sometimes. The hope I have for humanity is destroyed by the reality of man.

untitled №3

I dont like a lot of the people I see. I have been slowly realising this for the past few weeks. It started with one person, who I never really like a whole lot in the first place, I realised that I cant keep ignoring that kind of thing. People just aren’t what they should be, their interests and their priorities are…in the wrong place.

I think its about time to get out of this town. I love washington too much, I dont want to leave. But I am beginning to think I must…

untitled №2

If only…
     I could reveal what I feel
I wish…
     I was not unkind
I hope…
     I can change

untitled №1

There has to be something better…
This always should have been better….

Politicks, Revisited

I thought it would be interesting to see the difference between myself politically from a year ago, so here are the results,

if you are interested…

You are a Social Moderate (56% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (16% permissive) You are best described as a: Socialist Type your cut contents here. Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

And the test from last year:

You are a Social Liberal (66% permissive) and an… Economic Liberal (28% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

Not a whole lot of change. Lets hear it for boredom!

I dont have anything to say on right now. Aren’t you glad you read this?

Ah, Life…

Life is a conflicted enigma. Its the best thing that could ever happen to you, but sometimes it kills you almost every day. We sometimes hurt because of others, yet we make others hurt without fore or afterthought. We search for purpose, while fulfilling the very purpose. Some look so hard for the answer that is within them.

Its living. Not just being alive. Share your love with your fellow man, and heal your pain so it doesn’t come out to hurt others. Heal others pain with your love. Love your neighbor because he is your neighbor.

Breath some fresh air. Pull into your lungs that which allows you to move, to think, to live. Know the difference between the air in the streets and the forest. Know your Earth. Know your life.

Holi-Daze

I dont really fully like the holiday season, mostly because of the commercial bullshit, and how everyone acts like a bitch from hell with an extra-unpleasant case of herpes for 345 days of the year and then all of a sudden they are the cheeriest, friendliest shining example of holiday spirit.

Fuck that.
Be nice for 300 days, and be a complete asshole during Easter. Its a fake holiday.

Edit: I remembered another reason why people are idiots, and why I hate holidays. People all of a sudden they realise around December 15th that they aren’t poor, and that they have it way better than so many on this earth do. Im not saying dont give, but christmas isnt the only time people are in need.

Bird is the word

You know, Its almost funny when I start trying things get hard. I would have had an easier time when I didnt care. I was walking along a cold street, not going into any of the warm shops, even though the doors were open. I didnt realise I was cold until they were closed.

I just want to get back into school so I can graduate. I hate having to make work up, because I am that much less likely to do it. I wouldnt have had to make anything up if school wasnt so goddamn bullshit infested. Godamn bunch of fake ass morons trying to claw their way to the top, pushing everyone else down underwater.

The most important things I have learned were out of school anyway.

Vape for Victory

I figured that I have 15 or so weeks left until I am where I aught to be life-wise. Ill be graduated, and then I can relax for a month or two and then enlist. Then I wont have to pay huge insurance premiums. Heh… Bellevue Cops are assholes, and absent mindedness is terrible when you have tickets.

I also got notice that I am going to be summoned to court for Danes arrest for providing minors with alcohol. Im pleading the fifth. Yea. Amendments. Fuck you patriot act.

But hey, if you loosen your mind sometimes, things work out better. lets all do it now, let me know how it works for you.

Realizations.

Its funny, because last april I made a post saying that things were going well but I felt something bad was going to happen. I was right.

damn.

I feel like I died a little recently. Or maybe, it was just me realizing my ideals couldnt be met, for reasons I kept from myself.

I really got to stop doing that.

I also need to get a car, so I can be on my own, and stop depending on help from my parents. I think if I can get either my car fixed, or another cheap ass car. Hopefully the latter.

I think things might be turning around for the better though…

So this one time…

I wrote this once after some musically and organically enhanced reflection.

---

Wagon trains fly though the sky of my mind. Cutting paths through cloudy expanses of troubled thoughts.

Hello.
You’re new here.
The ambulance rings for you.
Remember to wave to the children as you pass.

Yes.
I am receded in the turtleshell mind.
Prepare for descent.
The past may make no sense, so look to the future for answers.

And in such a manner, I have concluded that getting funding is my current priority. Having the means of combustion propulsion is requisite for facilitation of my means of mousing, as well as employment.

Here.
You mean my all.
You make my all.
You are my all.
But you are not who you think you are.
I am not who I thought I was.
But I will be.

I will tell you this.
Not everyone will know.
I’ll tell you that is just too bad.
I think I’m done with it.
I’ve had quite enough.
I’ll tell you that its just too bad.
It doesnt matter.
Put it behind.
Leave it there.

And thus a Formulation was born for the next tangle in my treading space. I’m going to do things right.

And today I found my scars.
And my Ideas.
I will open my crypt,
and turn it into a library.
Transform the grounds,
I will be the garden.

But as I was saying, I found my scars. They are out today.
Forget that. Sunshine, man. Thats where we are going. To where we feel good. All I know is what I am. What that means, I havn’t thought that far. Who are we to decide anyway? You do not decide what it means unless you make it.

---

Most of it means something.

Thank you Jim Morrison.

I listen to The end so much. Its my favorite song, and it means something different every time I listen. But it is always connected to what is in my life. Somehow. It all makes sense in the end.

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I’ll never look into your eyes…again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need…of some…stranger’s hand
In a…desperate land

Lost in a Roman…wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

There’s danger on the edge of town
Ride the King’s highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake…he’s old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we’ll do the rest

The blue bus is callin’ us
The blue bus is callin’ us
Driver, where you taken’ us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and…then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door…and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother…I want to…fuck you

C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
C’mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin’ a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin’ a blue rock
C’mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you’ll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we triedto die

This is the end

My dad is awesome

Yea, so my mom decided to have some crazy meeting between my dad, her, and me. She immediatly starts screaming about something or other, which my dad told her not to do on the phone, and so from there, it was pretty much my dad calling her a liar, and pointing out where she was lying. It was damned funny. I really dont think that she understands the fact that you have to have logic, and you cant fucking lie all the goddamn time. But hey, at least my dad is cool.

She tried to take my car, but I am super smart and outwitter her again; I moved the car across the street a ways and she didnt see it. Ha!

I hate minivans.

I really like bagels. I also really like driving, but not shitty cars. Like my car. I like it enough to not hate it, because it gets me around…plus a certain important-part-of-my-life likes it…so thats also good. I decided that when I am in the airforce, by the end of my first year I will probably have a bike. And it will be good.

I however, do not like driving in fucking seattle, I seriously get insanely irate. So many idiot ass drivers doing idiot ass things, and making IDIOT ASS TRAFFIC! Seriously, I bet that if people didnt block the fucking intersections that traffic would go smoother. Also, if there wasnt any stupid ass cutting people off and forcing people to slam on the brakes, then it would also go smoother. And if that didnt happen to me like, five times on one stupid road today, I wouldnt have gotten so goddamn mad. Pig fucks in their goddamn nasty cars. I mean shit. What kind of minivan cuts off a goddamn car? and then decides they are in the WRONG FUCKING LANE! FUCK YOU MINIVAN MAN! FUCK YOU! I seriously can not stand FUCKING MINIVANS!

Life would be better without pigfucking minivans. I would also still have my most treasured car, the grandiose 1985 Jetta GL. YOU CANT PULL A GODDAMN U TURN IN THE MIDDLE OF A GODDAMN STREET! (I actually said that to the stupid bitch who did that, followed by “WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?” It was funny, in retrospect.)
I am going to stop writing about things that make me angry, because I am angry again about those things.
True story.

Dont you love her madly.

And dont you need her badly.
Dont you love her ways…

I cant tell which band I like more, Chemical Brothers or The Doors…
Its probably dependant on my mood.

I dont really have anything to talk about, in case you couldnt tell.

But once I start delivering pizza, I aught to have mad money, and can do the things I fuckin wanna, like get a real sound system in my car, and maybe even save up enough to buy a real car. Although, I only have until August 8 until I ship out. And then I dont really need a car…

I wanna get smashed

Way to go, brosef

It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter.
It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matmat. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter. It doesnt matter.

I need to get my fucking shitmobile back, and get a sound system that is worth more than my car. Yea Chemical Brothers. Fat bass.

Get up on it, get up on it like this.

You know, youre early, but dust it anyway.

I’ve got to say, my brother is a good musical influence. He is the one who introduced me to radio, the end specifically. And the chemical brothers, jurassic five, deltron 3030, and a buttload of other artists/bands. Good show old chap.

My aimless mind meanders in a myriad of directions, never stay still for too long or it will get you.

Looking forward to a little one-five-one.

Thats a one dash five dash one.
Complete with the flame arrester.

I wish I was high.

My first actual post…

Yet another time waster. Score.
I need some new music, Ive gone back to listening to the music of the good old days…when music was rythmic…and had a good melody….

Oh well, the country is dying anyway.